Spongebob study raises ADD questions, hilarity. Watch this video. - Reverb

Don’t Push Play: Spongebob teaches our kids to count to four, at least

Spongebob, on the victory cheeseburger train to fight childhood obesity and ADD. Photo courtesy of Nickelodeon.

Spongebob, on the victory cheeseburger train to fight childhood obesity and ADD. Photo courtesy of Nickelodeon.

Just what in the hell are you trying to do to our kids, SpongeBob SquarePants? First we discover you’re secretly sending them homoerotic messages. Then we find you’ve been trying to convince them of climate change. Now, in a University of Virginia study published yesterday online in the journal “Pediatrics,” we learn that SpongeBob affects the attention spans and learning capabilities of four-year-olds.

To be fair, all fast-paced cartoons seemed to have the same affect, according to the study’s lead author, Angeline Lillard. But still, SpongeBob, how do you expect to turn our kids into gay global warming Nazis if they can’t pay attention long enough to remember your instructions?!

Watch a spoof of the cartoon to Psychostick’s “Numbers (I Can Only Count to Four)” from their album released last month, “Space Vampire vs. Zombie Dinosaurs in 3D.” But don’t blame us if half-way through you can’t remember why you were watching it.

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Denver-based writer Sam DeLeo is a published poet, has seen two of his plays produced and is currently finishing his second novel.

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