Look Brit, you don’t need to tell us. We think we understand what you’re really trying to say here with your new single, “I Wanna Go.” While the lyrics convey the desire to “be a little inappropriate” and “go all the way” and show “all the dirt running through through your mind,” you’ve already done that. Years ago. Like, back in ’03. Brit, we’re here for you. We hear the subliminal message, which is made very clear in your joke of a video: You want out of your pop music career.
The video for “I Wanna Go” starts with a faux press conference. You answer annoying questions, like “Can you confirm that you’re pregnant with Brad Pitt’s lovechild?” and “Britney, Britney! Does this suit make me look fat?” then tell everyone to go fuck themselves. Classy. Hold up, freeze the Vevo frame. Is that a ripped-up Mickey Mouse shirt you’re wearing? Avril-inspired pink streaks in your hair? If you ask us, it’ s a little late in the game for these teen queen rebuttals.
“Shame on me,” you talk-sing, “to need release uncontrollably.” No Brit, shame on you for flashing a 10-year-old ginger and then dancing on top of a taxi cab a-la sweetheart Taylor Swift. The scattered “Thriller” references throughout the vid serve as a strange homage to Michael Jackson as we pass the second anniversary of his death. Is everything a joke to you?
True Britney fans may tell us to just leave you alone. You’re finally letting loose, you’re just having a little fun! Look at that funny reference to a “Crossroads” sequel! We disagree. The overemphasizing of the shoulder roll and torso shake in both videos for “Till the World Ends” and “I Wanna Go” is disgusting and frankly, you should be more ashamed of your lack of real dance moves than anything else.
Possibly the most puzzling of all sequences in “I Wanna Go” is Guillermo from Showtime’s “Weeds” pouring a carton of milk all over himself. Was your video director trying to spoof Lady Gaga’s “Judas,” or something? Brit, we had relatively high hopes for “Femme Fatale.” First you were baaaack and now you are boring.
And at the end of it all, when we find out it was all a daydream sequence, we can’t help be reminded of the video for “Baby One More Time,” which you filmed at 17. Britney, you’re 29. A grown-up, really. Stay true to your word — If you wanna go, just pack up your mic and weave and leave. We’ll love you all the same — in fact, we might love you more.
Allison Berger is a Philadelphia-based writer and a pop music columnist for Reverb. Check out more of her writing here.