I don’t care about snow. I AM GOING TO SEE OZZY TONIGHT!
Let me tell you about OZZY! If you don’t like OZZY then you probably got a whole wall in your bedroom covered in sticky Justin Bieber posters. You know what I’m saying you losers, don’t you? I’ve seen OZZY before and I’m pretty sure it RULED! So this time I’m already pumped. I’m staying dry, got a whole box of Hefty 2-plys that I cut the armholes out of. We got Little John’s truck here in Lot C and we’re cranking up the heat and “Tribute” over and over. Randy Rhodes tears it up!
It’s like noon or something and I think the show’s at 7? I don’t know. But I already shot-gunned six of the silver bullets in my twelver. So, I’ll just fire it up from here on out, maybe grab some from the handle of vodka that Chelsea brought. Oh yeah, and I totally just schooled that pud Rich for saying that Dio was better than OZZY!? No way man! You tell me: OZZY sang “Iron Man” with Sabbath and Dio sang “Lady Evil” with them, which is better? Yeah, that’s what I thought!
There’s already other people here braving the Blizzard of OZZ! Why? For HEAVY METAL, man. That’s why! So I yelled out to these tools walking by and I’m like “ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN!!!!” and this dude wearing a Queensryche hat tries to act all like he’s down with me and my buds, starts coming over to us. So I start to give him crap for liking that weak band and I grab his hat off his head! Then the dude gets all aggro –- tries to get in my face –- but I know he ain’t gonna do nothin’ and I tell him so. Then Little John (you know he ain’t little, that’s just his name) gets between us to try and calm it down. Whatever. I’m cool.
Dude. I just found out Slash is opening? Without Axl? You know where you are Slash? If you could see through all that crazy ass hair you’d see you’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die! Nah, I’m just messing with ya –- Slash is all right.
I know he’s gotta play some of his new crap, but OZZY better play “I Don’t Know” and “No More Tears.” Killer songs. He should totally play “Snowblind” –- dedicate that to Denver. And if he plays “Paranoid” I will lose my shit. I don’t wanna hear “Mama I’m Comin’ Home” or any other weak ass ballads. I want OZZY to rock! Dude, did you ever see that poster I have where OZZY’s all covered in blood? I hope he does something messed up like that tonight. Speaking of messed up, Chelsea just said if she gets totally wasted she’s totally gonna flash skin at OZZY. That would rule – and you know I’ll have my phone ready to snap that. Was gonna take some pictures of OZZY but our seats are gonna be way the hell up there, so I know I won’t see your candy asses either.
But I AM GOING TO SEE OZZY TONIGHT!
Editor’s note: Drew “Metal” Melicia’s drunken fanboy ramblings and frequent use of profanity were (minimally) censored for publication.