Dear Katy Perry,
I will be the first to admit that when you hit the scene three summers ago, I did not like you at all. That song of yours, “I Kissed a Girl,” disgusting. After participating in “The Vagina Monologues” during my sophomore year of college, my blossoming feminist views hated everything about that song. And let me tell you, the rants I made during rehearsal really earned me brownie points with the cast. You later said in an interview that you’ve never even kissed a girl, though in another you said you had. C’mon!
But then Taylor Swift made this cute home video to your single “Hot N Cold,” and I guess I didn’t think you were that bad.
But that forehead! Which you covered up with horrible bangs! Those Pro-Activ commercials! Those ridiculous boobs! Your engagement and recent marriage to that tool Russell Brand! I simply couldn’t get on the bandwagon.
Then one day last summer, I was driving home from the mall when I heard the murmur of an insanely catchy song coming from the car speakers. Miley’s “Party in the USA” had been out for almost a year; it had been a while since anything as pure and simple as this had come around. When I got home I Googled the lines I remembered from the car: “California girls are unforgettable / Daisy dukes, bikinis on top.”
It was you, Katy, and the song was your summer smash, “California Gurls.” I was obsessed. That shit was on repeat ’till my younger brother told me I simply was not allowed to blare it from my bedroom anymore. It was just so fun, so seemingly clean, so perfectly pop.
Then you performed it live at the MTV Movie Awards and god, it sucked. Your voice was so shaky you had to simulate oral sex to distract the audience. Cheap tricks, Katy.
But then there was “Teenage Dream,” the second single from your album of the same name, with a jammin’ beat, a catchy hook and adorable lyrics. Thousands of radio plays later, it makes me want to jump up and down then make out for in the back of a car for two hours. Your next single, “Firework,” is the “Beautiful” of this decade, no doubt. The music video strikes many a comparison to Christina Aguilera’s 2002 hit, but that’s not the worst thing. It caters to a new slew of self-loathing teens who need your inspiration.
Three hits, one after another. Snap, crackle, pop. You got rid of the bangs, gained a husband and put out a new perfume named after your cat, Kitty Purry. (Who wants to smell like a cat? Probably a million little girls, but not me.) Regardless, you are officially the first female artist in 11 years to score three number one singles from the same album. Cheers. You are nominated for four Grammy awards, including “Album of the Year,” competing against the “Fame Monster” herself, Lady Gaga. Congrats. Now you surely have it all. But we want to know, have you really kissed a girl?
Allison Berger is a Philadelphia-based writer and a Pop music columnist for Reverb. Check out more of her writing here.