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Meet your doom, human. Photo by Mateo Leyba.

From the crack-crazed depths of outer space, lodged unwillingly on this feeble spheroid we pitiful humans call “Earth,” came GWAR — Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty, JiZMak Da Gusha, and Balsac the Jaws of Death — unto the stage of the Gothic Theatre on Wednesday night.

View a full photo gallery of this concert here.

Wasting no time on our miserable race, GWAR opened fire almost immediately with a cannon of gore, spraying the naked faces and sparkling-white tees of the audience with blood, bile, and other unsavory fluids. We were informed soon thereafter that we had been exposed to countless diseases by way of this transaction, and would perish quickly and terribly as a result. No one seemed to mind being sentenced to death in such a fashion; upon news of their impending doom, the crowd inexplicably cried out with orgiastic enthusiasm.

What followed was a veritable saturnalia of metal, monsters and unrelenting dick jokes. Enemies were dealt with by way of saw and axe, dismembered alive for the pleasure of the audience. Upon being torn limb from limb, the flailing carcasses erupted in fountains of blood that struck the front row, the flanking balconies and the buzz-cuts of ill-tempered, gum-chewing security goons. GWAR, in their alien majesty, chugged loudly forth on their guitars, broiling the craniums of their earthling minions to a bubbling protoplasm.

Not a soul was spared from the carnage — or, for that matter, the fully exposed butts. The crowd, infected from the start with innumerable plagues, was the first to perish; next, the good name of Christian rock was viciously booed by the surviving throng. Fetuses and mutant babies were impaled on swords and forced to simulate unspeakable sex acts on leader Oderus.

The late Michael Jackson, in a remarkable and miraculous resurrection, appeared onstage only to be defaced — quite literally, and with a requisite accompaniment of blood geysers. At the climax, President Obama glided up to the mic, congratulated GWAR on their victory against their rival extraterrestrials, and met with his decapitation mid-sentence. No beef, dude; what reign of interplanetary terror would be complete without a world leader’s annihilation? The crowd, always tickled by the antics of their onstage lords and masters, delighted at being doused in high-office hemoglobin.

A particularly dour and unsuspecting human in the balcony, head bobbing in time while he scanned the back rows, erupted in a smile when his cheeks were suddenly splattered with liquid viscera.

By the close of the evening’s mayhem, everyone was wringing sweat and brightly-colored juices from their clothes. The ambiance was one of satisfaction and general affinity with one’s fellow man; the only blight on the event, besides the routine disembowelments and ritual sacrifices, was the man-handling and eventual expulsion of intrepid crowd surfers. It was just another routine encounter between Homo sapiens and our beastly galactic cousins; when they’re fiending in the future for a colossal crack rock, may they grace our humble planet once again.

View a full photo gallery of this concert here.

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Alex Edgeworth is a Denver-based freelance writer and regular contributor to Reverb.

Mateo Leyba is a Denver Post photojournalist and regular contributor to Reverb.

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